The Great Misconception of Me*
I often write about books I’ve read, bands I’ve seen, sometimes films, talks I’m giving, events I’m attending or have attended, technical topics, and more recently, leadership of software teams. Occasionally, I share critical views, whether on people, practices, or how I think software should be designed or written.
Beyond the navel gazing tweets and Facebook posts of my younger years, I haven’t really written much about how I feel about myself. This time, I’m going to be a bit more introspective. If that’s not your thing, feel free to skip this one.
In the last couple of years, I’ve become aware of a fundamental truth about myself:
I cannot bear to be misunderstood, especially when people believe things about me that I don’t believe to be true.
When I am misunderstood, I have to try to put it right. I need to make the other person understand. I expect this has often been to my own detriment and I haven’t always succeeded.
I Am Not an Extrovert
Another fundamental truth about myself is that:
I am not an extrovert.
This was challenged in a group setting recently and I was unable to explain myself sufficiently. I aim to put that right here. With the aid of ChatGPT, let’s first look at what an extrovert really is and what an introvert is.
An Extrovert is:
- Energized by social interaction - They thrive in group settings and feel recharged by being around others.Drained by too much solitude - Too much time alone can feel isolating or boring.
- Speak to think - Often process thoughts out loud and enjoy spontaneous conversations.
- Focus outward - More tuned into external stimuli: people, activity, and experiences.
Whereas an introvert is:
- Energized by solitude - They recharge by spending time alone or in quiet environments.
- Drained by large social interaction - Socialising can be enjoyable but tiring; they often need downtime afterward.
- Think before speaking - Tend to reflect internally and prefer thoughtful, one-on-one conversations.
- Focus inward - More attuned to their inner world; their thoughts, emotions, and ideas.
It’s important to realise that it’s not about shyness or sociability. Introverts can be very social and; extroverts can enjoy alone time. It's about energy, not social skills. It's a spectrum; most people aren't entirely one or the other. You might be an ambivert, exhibiting traits of both depending on the situation you find yourself in.
When I was challenged on my assertion that I was not an extrovert, I was given examples such as a time I’d asked to be included in a work trip and had participated in the activity with smiles and interaction, and that I volunteered to do a presentation at a work conference and that I often made myself the centre of attention. While all of these are true examples of the things I do, few see the preparation and anguish which goes into them or the days of recovery which come after. It’s not all doom and gloom, being able to do these things gives me feelings of achievement, but it’s also hard.
Far from being an extrovert I am a social introvert. I enjoy people and interaction, but in small doses and I need time to be alone and recharge. I can feel energized by engaging conversations but I sometimes struggle with crowded or loud environments. I believe I present as outgoing, but I still need solitude to feel balanced.
Me? Me? Me?
I graduated from the University of Leeds in 2000 when I was 23 (not with a computer science degree, but that’s another story). I was young, naive, and excited about finally entering the world of work, as well as everything else that came with finishing university. I genuinely believed my tutors would be interested in what I was up to and I was eager to share updates. After all, I and everything I was doing, felt like a product of their teaching. Of course I was wrong and after a few update emails I got a direct response to stop and a few wry comments which still haunt me today. In hindsight it’s not surprising, I was subjecting them to the equivalent of a family round robin letter at Christmas.
Clearly I was calling out for Twitter (now X) but it wouldn’t come along for another six years. I often wonder how things might have been different if I’d been able to use this experience to come up with something like Twitter myself.
Fewer than 18 months later I joined a computer programming group called the ACCU. They have two publications and I was encouraged to write for them. At first I had no idea what I was going to write, but soon after ideas started to form and I’ve written ever since. Although I don’t enjoy the writing process, I enjoy the feeling of accomplishment and the result and I want EVERYONE to read it.
It’s not just writing. In the last 20 years I’ve created software libraries and code I want everyone to use, tech groups, conferences and other events I want everyone to attend, a business I wanted everybody to buy from and even, briefly, a magazine I wanted everyone to read. I’ve shouted about them all as much as I can. I generally get three types of feedback: nothing, positive and wry comments about it being too much.
For the last few years I have been blogging a lot about the work I am doing in my current role. I’ve also written a few software libraries relevant to my work and I’m currently writing a book on leadership. I’m sharing it all in the usual ways, Linkedin, Twitter(X), Facebook, sometimes to instagram, and to the digital team I work with.
All the time I worry that I’m showing off, being too much and giving everyone the impression I have a “Me! Me! Me!” opinion of myself, while at the same time being excited about what I’ve done and wanting to share it. I’m pleased to say I get quite a bit of positive feedback, but I get the wry comments too and sometimes they don’t always land well with me - I’m working on that. Sometimes they’re meant as jokes, but they land like quiet digs, as if ambition is arrogance. Even here, now, I worry while I write this.
In my current role, I have the most fantastic boss, we call them leaders. When I told him how I was feeling, after a particularly poignant wry comment someone else gave me, he shared this with me:
Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us.
Your playing small does not serve the world.
There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you.
We are all meant to shine as children do.
It's not just in some of us; it is in everyone.
And as we let our own lights shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.
The passage is from the film Coach Carter and instantly made me feel better. For a moment I even felt that by not writing and not sharing I might be depriving the world, or at least my colleagues, of something. That feeling didn’t last long; I was still able to get my head out of the door afterwards. However, the lasting effect on me is that I now have something to fall back on and to help me feel better in the moments of self doubt and in the face of the wry comments.
Mirror
I’ve come to realise that one of the things I struggle with most is being misunderstood; especially when people assume things about me that I know aren’t true. It’s something I find hard to let go of, and I’ve spent a lot of time and energy trying to correct those misconceptions.
One of the biggest misunderstandings is around my personality. I’m often mistaken for an extrovert because I speak at events, take the lead on things, and share my work publicly. The truth is, I’m a social introvert. I enjoy connection, but it drains me. I need quiet time to recover. What people don’t see is the preparation it takes to show up, and the crash that comes afterwards.
I've also realised how much I worry that my enthusiasm and desire to share, whether it's writing, software, events, or ideas, might come across as showing off. I genuinely want people to benefit from what I create, but I often second-guess myself when I get the occasional sly dig or silence in response. It’s easy to start wondering if I’m just being "too much."
Writing this has helped me understand myself more clearly, and it’s given me a new tool to handle those moments of doubt. I hope it also helps me to better understand others who may feel the same way but haven’t found the words yet.
If you’ve read this far, thank you.
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